I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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