I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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