She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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