i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
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i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
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I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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