bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
