chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Randomize
