i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
