How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
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It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
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came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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