That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
