I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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