Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
we're making bets on your personal life
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
