You just made me feel so damn special
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
