Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..

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(917): View more from New York City

you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.

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(330): View more from Ohio

You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions

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(360): View more from Washington

Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both

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(970): View more from Colorado

You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day

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(512): View more from Texas

I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away

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