That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
