her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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