I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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