How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
this hospital has no fireball
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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