I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
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