So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
