someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
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