And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
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It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
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"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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