Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Did you pee in the oven last night??
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