She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
