Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
