dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
