u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
