Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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