Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
