dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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