he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
