I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
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What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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