i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
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