before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
