wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
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