What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
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He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
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All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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