Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
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