Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I have fence marks all over my body
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
