I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
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What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
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Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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