I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
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I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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