it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
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