How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
