There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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