Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Randomize
