Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
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