k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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