the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Randomize
