The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
