we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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