It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
