I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
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