fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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