why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
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