Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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