i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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