last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
