Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Found the puke drawer
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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