I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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