You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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