I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
