I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
So I just went to clothing optional bar
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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