Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
