You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
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